Dear diary,
What a day. I have seen and felt so much, it doesn't feel real, especially now, I have some hope. Mitch. He's the one that seems to be my hope, I think I can admit it now. Not that he is there to replace Alan, but he's my lifeboat to my drowning. Whenever I'm, around him I can somehow be myself. For so long I have searched and searched, for someone, something to bring me back to life, to bring me back to me and I'm sure that someone is Mitch. It has to be. It doesn't seem to be anyone else out there. I mean, Stella is there for me. Always. However, it is like she does not understand me, she does not feel what I feel, maybe because she hasn't felt the hurt I have yet. Stanley is not good for her, and I don't know if she'll be able to survive?
Broadly consistent with the tone one would expect. The issue for me is that you are not writing in the appropriate voice for the character in fact though the content is reasonably accurate the language used to express if is not.
ReplyDeleteWhen writing you must try and draw on the phrases, tone of voice, lexis and attitudes of the character you are writing for. You should be looking to incorporate some of what they have said in a different form. You need to demonstrate that you as aware of the way they speak as you are of the topics which they discuss.